that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Tornado booty call.. dedication
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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