I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
