how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Is that strawberry winking at me??
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
