I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
