i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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