you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Randomize
