Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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