Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
It's rum buckets o'clock
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
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