Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
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