I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Randomize
