my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize
