When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
