I looked at my own cervix.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Randomize
