Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
