I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Randomize
