I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
I enjoy the company of your penis
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize