The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
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