i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
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