Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
