Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize