Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
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