I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
