youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Randomize
