Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
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