I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
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