I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
