If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Randomize
