I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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