my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
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