i cvme to yuor rooom...wherer are youf?
please be gone before i get back
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize