did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Randomize
