I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
