I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
