I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
