he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
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