god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
okay pat passed out under dana's car
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Randomize
