There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Randomize