I cockslap morals
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
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