LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Randomize
