I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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