Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Just puked most of my soul out..
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
