i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Randomize
