remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
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