Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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