Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
There's always time for handjobs
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
