i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Randomize
