Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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