Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
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