You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
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