the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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