nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
Randomize
