I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Randomize
