Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
