Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Randomize
