What a fucking waste of an outfit
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
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