so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
