so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
Randomize
