when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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