Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
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