You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
