I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Randomize