Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Randomize
