Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize
