Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Randomize
