I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize