OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
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