I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
