nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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