she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
wow bdsm is so cute
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