Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
