I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
