Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
