Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Your penis caused this!
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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