apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
